The Five Major Points of Subway

You know,  my friends and I, we're an odd sort of creature. We are people who find the inconsistencies in the world and point them out, regardless of how important or relevant it is. I know this because one day, during the week of the show, we went to Subway in between a elementary school matinee and a night show because, well, Subway's boss. This was a special Subway trip, for whatever reason, and we came up with multiple things that really stand out in my mind, for no reason at all. They don't matter, they prove no point, they're both obnoxious and untrue, but they're entertaining. So, what are the Five Major Points of Subway? Well, first of all...


1. Tomatoes are useless and nobody likes them

Usually the first reply I get one saying this one is "I like tomatoes". My reply is, "No you don't, tomatoes are useless and nobody likes them." Now yeah, I know, tomatoes make ketchup (which I hate) and marinara sauce (which I love) and all sorts of other good stuff, well, my reasoning is that I said tomatoes suck, not ketchup and marinara sauce. Does it fit with reality? No. That's what makes it important.

Point being is that tomatoes, themselves, are useless. Have you ever gotten a hamburger or sub from somewhere to find, to your horror and despair, that a tomato is to be found within it's contents? Well, what do you do from here? If you're like me, you have too much pride to waste $3.99 so you just nonchalantly take the tomato out and you move on with your day as if it never happened. You're all guilty of doing it. Ask yourself, does anyone really EAT raw tomatoes on a daily basis? Does anyone even really know what genre of food it belongs to? No. Nobody does. Why? Nobody cares. Because tomatoes are useless. 


 2. Jared the Subway Guy's forehead is gigantic and most likely Photoshopped

So really, this is a rather new one for me. I've always disliked actual tomatoes, and the other points are also things I was suspicious of. But this one was an observation by my friend, and has since become a staple within my mind. Every time I see him, his forehead becomes the focus of my attention, and the knightly gleam it gives off seems to have some sort of hypnotizing effect on people like me. I'm not sure what is about this that is so significant. It's like if someone had a size 32 shoe, chances are you'd stand in awe and look at their shoe for an extended period of time. Truth is, the forehead really does not get that much attention, a lot of people even cover theirs, I know I do, since my bangs make up about half of my hair.

Like I said before, I truly believe his forehead is the source of his power, and is the reason why he's been able to make many a sub-lover (including myself) fall in love with him. I guarantee that from this point on, after reading this blog, you will focus for at least a split second on his forehead every time you see a picture of clip of him, and question whether or not his forehead actually is as big as the picture up there expresses it to be.

3. Elderly folk + Shorts, tights, among other things = no

Americans are living in hard times. There are many conflicts that stymie our growth as people and cause an evanescent amount of patience for one another. One conflict I know of us the old vs. the young. The civilized vs. the uncivilized. My generation consists of teenage men who absolutely refuse to show their knees in casual wear, overalls don't even exist, and Lowe's hats really don't help make you look like a G6. Therefore, when people of a higher age wear this kind of stuff, it weighs down on our souls as "LAME". Now look, I hate to say it, but old people and young people have completely different worlds beneath them. Senior citizens are much wiser than us, much more proper, and they wear what they feel is comfortable in public regardless of what they wore because in their time, what they had is what everyone had. Wearing shorts that ride above your knees or overalls are not bad things. This conflicts with our generation.

Now look, before you go all "Mr. H you're completely insensitive for suggesting such a thing about older citizens!" on me, I know it's insensitive. You have to remember my earlier point: This blog is not at all about reality. Let me reiterate a past experience with you: It was the middle of August, I went to the doctor for a normal check-up. I got told I was exceptionally tall (I'm still recovering from the news) and that I'm under weight. Whatever, moving on, when we were waiting for the AHCCS taxi to come pick my mom and I up, I noticed something. This hospital is filled to the brim with family practices for elderly folk.The most astonishing about this was that EVERY SINGLE OLD PERSON HERE, except the ones that came from retirement homes (in groups) to see their doctors, owned a gold Sedan. Every. Single. One. This absolutely blew my mind.

I bring up this point to my mom, and she said outright: "Retired people love those Cadillacs". Gold Sedans? Really?...I counted eight gold Sedans in the 15 minutes I was waiting. And when I went back for the dermatologist two weeks ago: seven. And yes, they were all wearing shorts.


4. COMFORT ZONE

No image description to speak of

Subway's not an exciting place. Though it smells great and the food is great. You go in, you get a sub, you make another teenager angry by telling them to apply more Parmesan and you're on your merry way. For me, Subway has only consisted of about 10 years of meatball subs. I enjoy nothing else from Subway simply because I have not tried anything else, simply because I love meatball subs and have no reason to explore the $5 depths of the sub-style sandwich world. However this wasn't the case for another friend of mine, and he got something that he's never got before, therefore breaking out of his "comfort zone" OHGOD.

You see, this wasn't just a statement, it was an emotive action that he did. For one he said "comfort zone", he basically did a ribcage thrust, where for a split second, usually the duration of the word, your ribcage will fly forward and then back, thus performing some sort of chemical reaction within your body that causes your rib cage to shove itself forward when you say "comfort zone". Why he did this, nobody really knows, but we've done it ever since. Whenever "comfort zone" is said, a ribcage flies forward. We've got a ridiculous amount of people (like 15 or something) doing it, including his mom, which is pretty high-larious. Need I remind you that tomatoes were in this sub and he took them out?

5. The state of Colorado is ran by a North Korean toaster company

If you have read the blog up to this point and felt the need to be offended, concerned or defensive about the severity of the things I've written, not only do you have some sort of demented defense against satire, but you've completely missed the whole point of this blog (which I've yet to figure out myself but still, you're missing the point). The fact of the matter is, the imagination is limitless, there are no tethers or chains. You cannot get into any sort of trouble for a thought unless the thought becomes a word or an action. Because of this, a few friends and I decided something: North Korea is slowly taking over America, and it started with a toaster company that began in Colorado.

We have no evidence to back it up, but beware, for it's a certainty. Everybody in Colorado is North Korean, whether they like it or not, as part of living in Colorado, you sign a blood oath that forever puts you as an enemy to mankind.

If you are a person of Colorado, or know a person of Colorado, I suggest taking these steps:

1. If you live in Colorado, get a full blood transplant. A blood oath means nothing if you have no blood left to keep up an oath with.
2. If you know someone in Colorado, cut off all communication with them. Don't utter their name, don't even think it. If they begin to pursue you, notify your rival toaster companies at once.
3. If you believe yourself to be of Colorado origin but are not sure, we have cyanide injections at our agency.
4. If it begins snowing, take cover and wear goggles, for it is not snow. It is actually ashes created by the toaster companies to fool you into believing it's snowing. Toasters burn, after all.
5. If you live in any state bordering Colorado, build a wall along the border made of Pixie Sticks and Sour Bubble Tape. 
6. If you live in Montana, you don't exist and this doesn't apply to you.

You guys get the jist, right? Reality sucks.