The only thought rival in the natural world...

I can't be more frank with how I feel about cats.
Actually, I can. I love cats, a lot. I've lived for 18 years now, and there has not been any period of time where I did not have a cat, I've had my cat Rex for almost 10 years now, he's probably the best cat I've ever had or ever will have, but I gotta tell you, he's a hassle.

To better explain my feelings of Rex, use this as an aid:

He's about 25 pounds, afraid of everything except the people and animals in my house, sheds a lot, and is unlike any other stereotypical cat. And he makes my life a living hell. Now look, I've been a lot more active than I used to be in the past few months, but when I'm at home, I'm on my computer, and Rex is usually, against my will, on top of me. I'm a tool for his comfort. Sure, the pettings are nice, as well as the brush I use when he's shedding his winter coat, and he likes the fact that I, also against my will, share my cold water with him (he's got some sort of fascination with ice water, don't worry if he drinks out of it, he can have it...). To better iterate what I go through for most of my day of relaxation, I created this diagram:

I really can't sum it up better than that, I really don't get what goes through his head when this happens. Sooner or later, I'll just give up and let him bask within the non-existent heat of my monitor, and then let him leave on his own time. At which point, I'll have to dust the fur he shed off my screen, which is a lot of trouble when you have an LCD screen. Other times, he'll welcome himself onto my lap, regardless of my position, what I'm doing, if there's another animal there already or if I'm really not in the mood to have a cat with the ability to collapse my lungs on my lap.

Oh and, the kneading. God damn the kneading. If you've had a cat who actually enjoyed company from lesser beings, you've probably developed thousands of callouses in several thousand different parts of your body due to the cat's absolute fascination with digging their claws into your skin to let you know that "Hey, you're kinda comfortable." After your skin's torn apart and they've closed up the dead skin with their weight, they stay there. Forever. They don't move until you either die and become too limp too provide sufficient padding or they decide that you're just not worthy anymore. So, in the case with Rex, because he weighs more than I do and for the most part, moving is just too much of a chore, he's a tumor.

Cats, in general, like most domestic animals, want nothing more other than love, attention, affection, and food. But they fucking hate you and everything you stand for. I've read multiple articles and stories about cats and the scientific reasons they do the things they do. For instance, you're all familiar with "presents" (if you're not familiar, then please Google it because my blog's only got so pride left), well it turns out that presents are actually a cat's way of gloating about how they hunt better than you do. It doesn't stop there, cats rub their bodies against you, a term my mom and I dubbed "claiming", because when they do that, they're actually rubbing their scent on you because they hate the way you smell, and they hate you. And they'll hate you less if you smell like them. Because of this, cats, scientifically, are dicks. And the reason I like them more than dogs is because I've never had two cats who had similar personality quirks, whereas I've had plenty of dogs who were somehow similar and not as exciting as dog to dog goes.

Cats are programmed to test people, they want to drive you nuts, they want you to know that they really, really don't give a damn about you, your family, your mother's cancer survival story, your level 95 Blastoise which YOU TRAINED WITHOUT MISSINGNO., nothing, at all. They make you think, they make you try to outsmart something which was never meant to outsmart you to begin with. So most people are smart and abide by their rules, others suck and get rid of cats because they're not able to deal with something needy. Or you're allergic, I guess.

Despite the fact that cats hate you and everything you owns becomes theirs (and if not theirs, nobody's)...

...Cats are awesome creatures, they really are just like every other animal, it just takes a stronger, not allergenic person to deal with them. I'll probably always be a cat person if life permits it, but if not, I'll be missing them, they've been one of those 'redeeming' factors of my life.

For now, I'll continue abiding by anything and everything Rex requests. Whatever...do you guys think I should advertise this blog more?